Risking Romance – Part I

“What the hell am I doing?” Joel Davis muttered. He stared at his reflection in the full-length mirror and used his magic to change his button-down shirt from dark blue to green. Then from green to light blue. Then back to dark blue.

Frustrated with himself, he ran his hands through his short hair and tugged at the ends. After taking a deep breath, his arms dropped and he looked in the mirror again. “Shit.” Using his magic, he fixed the mess he’d made of his hair, straightening the still thick mop so it laid flat.

He shouldn’t feel like a teenager going on his very first date, but in a way, he was. Well, not the teenage part, as he often felt every one of his fifty-five years.

When he let his niece, Sam, talk him into signing up for a dating app two months ago, he’d planned to delete the profile later. Then Michelle contacted him right away.

At first, he’d been nervous, not knowing what to say. But that didn’t last long. Michelle had been easy to talk to. They’d started with texts and then a phone call. By the third week, they were talking every couple of days, and not long after that, they were talking every day. Sometimes multiple times a day.

In the three days since he and Michelle had agreed to finally meet face to face, he’d been both excited and nervous. During the entire day at work, all he could think about was meeting Michelle. Now that it was almost time to leave, his palms were sweaty.

If Susan had been there, she would have sat on the bed and laughed at him. But if Susan had been there, he wouldn’t be going on a date.

He looked over at the picture of his wife that sat on the nightstand. Her head was thrown back in laughter, while she leaned against him, his arms wrapped around her. With the distance of years, he now smiled when he looked at the picture.

It had been her forty-first birthday, and he’d been teasing her because she hadn’t been able to blow out all the candles at once. No one could have guessed that two months later she would be dead from a sudden aneurysm.

Picking up the picture, he held it with both hands and let his magic clear away the dust. Another thing Susan would have laughed at him for—he’d never been the best house cleaner.

Susan had loved pictures, placing dozens of them around the house, but this one was his favorite.

He floated the picture back to his night stand, and feeling a sudden restlessness, walked over to the bookshelf in the corner of the room. It was one of those things he no longer paid much attention to, like a large picture on a wall you forgot was there even though you walked past it several times a day. Susan had loved the bookshelf, so it made sense that he felt drawn to it now as he couldn’t help but think of her while he was prepping for his first real date since her passing.

The shelves held books, candles, and other knickknacks, like the blue ceramic bowl he and Susan had picked up on a trip. But mostly it held framed photos. Using his magic once more, he dusted all the items on the shelves. The photos were a journal of his life with Susan. Looking at them, you’d think he had died when she did. The most recent photo was of the two of them and had been taken twelve years ago.

He could still remember the day he’d met her, as clearly as a movie in his mind. She’d been thirty-two, just two years younger than him, when they met in their third-year physics class. They had laughed together when they’d both confessed how ancient they felt amongst the other students, many of whom weren’t even old enough to drink.

Susan had gone back to college to get a degree after being dissatisfied with her career and around the same time he had finally decided it was time he went to college. After a childhood accident had forced him to relearn so many basic skills, by the time he finished high school, he needed a break from school. At one point in his early twenties, he worried his disabilities would rule out higher learning, but with his brothers’ encouragement, he’d finally decided it was time to get on with his life. The corners of his lips turned up at the memory; he’d felt so self-conscious at always being the oldest person in his classes. Until Susan.

His gaze landed on a picture of their wedding day. They’d dated for two years before getting married, and then they had another seven amazing years together.

A feeling he couldn’t name, suddenly gripped him, like his heart was swelling for no reason. There had been a few women since Susan’s death, as he wasn’t a monk, but nothing serious. Always an understanding on both sides that they were just mutually scratching an itch. So he knew he wasn’t feeling guilt, and it wasn’t restlessness either.

While talking with Michelle over the last couple of months, he’d felt more than he had in years. Maybe too much. He had shut himself off for so long that these feelings now felt foreign, and he wasn’t sure he was ready for them. Loving someone wasn’t the problem—it was loving them and losing them that he didn’t think he’d survive if it happened again.

He didn’t know if he should act on the feeling or listen to it. Turning away from the bookshelf, he went over to the dresser and picked up his wallet, putting it in his pocket before grabbing his phone. Looking down at the screen, he contemplated texting Michelle and canceling their date. If he felt this much when he hadn’t even met her in person, how was he going to handle the feelings if they deepened?

Pulling up Michelle’s name in his text history, he began tapping out a message. Pausing, he wondered how to phrase this last-minute, chicken-shit move, when something caught his attention as it shimmered in the corner of his vision.

He looked up, his phone still in his hands, as an image began taking shape. Being born with magic and having seen so many different magic specialties throughout his life, there wasn’t much about magic that surprised him. Yet, this did.

Stumbling backward, his legs hit the bed and he dropped onto it, unable to do anything else as Susan’s image appeared before him.

Hello, my love.

The Susan in the image laughed and he felt his throat tighten at the familiar huskiness of her voice, a voice he thought he’d never hear again. Their dresser was visible behind her in the vision, and he could see the corner edge of it outside the vision as well, revealing that she’d recorded her message in the exact same spot the vision was now appearing in.

I don’t know if this is weirder for you watching or for me recording this. Your brother–oh, Frank, not Ben–helped me with this message. He didn’t really explain how it works, but it’s somehow attached to you. He assured me that after I die, you would get this message when you start dating again.

Susan paused and closed her eyes for a moment before opening them and staring straight ahead, her smile not quite as bright as before.

Having dinner with Sandra when she flew in yesterday made me realize I needed to do this. Even after thirty years of friendship I felt absolutely useless that there still isn’t anything I can say that will help her move on. Chatting and texting with each other is one thing but seeing her in person was different. I can’t even imagine what it must have been like for her to lose Steve, but he’s been gone years and she’s still got so much life to live, but she’s not. It’s like she’s stuck.

Seeing her stuck in the past got me thinking about what if something happened to me. I would want you to keep living. Not get stuck.

That means when you see this, I’m dead. It’s kind of a morbid thought, especially considering the day, but I wanted to make this message now because seeing Sandra so stuck really got to me.

Today is my forty-first birthday, and you’ve made a big deal of it and invited practically everyone we know. They’ll all be arriving soon and I’m excited. I hope we get to celebrate another forty birthdays together, but Sandra is proof that nothing is guaranteed. Oh…

She laughed and her eyes twinkled with mischief.

If we did get forty more birthdays together, then that means you’re at least eighty-three and dating again. Good for you, Joel! But…

She waved her hand in front of her eyes, and he knew she was magically drying them just as he felt a burning sensation in his own. Copying her, he used his magic to make sure his tears didn’t blur her image.

If something happened and I didn’t live that long, I want you to know that I love you with my whole soul. You’re my person, Joel. I probably don’t say it enough, so I want to make sure you know.

Susan paused again and once more waved her hand in front of her eyes. When she smiled this time, it was the smile he remembered. The one that lit up her entire face.

Again, I don’t know how Frank is going to make sure you get this at the right time, but I’m sure whatever he does will work because you know how he is. So… knowing you, my love, I expect you’re all ready to go on a date, and now you’re having doubts. I bet you’re even about to text your date—or maybe there’s a different type of technology when you get this—well, anyway.

She waved her hand in the air as if dismissing the thought and a lump formed in his throat at seeing the gesture he knew so well.

But Joel, I don’t want you to cancel. From the first moment I met you I knew you would love me like no one else could. You have so much love to give. No matter what comes of this date—and I expect something will, because you would have gotten to know her first… remember how many times we chatted after class before you finally asked me out? Well, I expect whoever you’re going to see, you already really like her, and now you’re wondering if it’s too much. It’s not. No matter what could happen down the road, go meet her, Joel. Give her all of you and if you can, show her the kind of love you showed me.

Joel heard himself calling to Susan in the vision.

She chuckled. Did you hear yourself? People must be arriving, so I’ve got to go. And I want you to go too. You will always have my love, so go meet this woman and open yourself up to the possibility of loving someone new and giving them your whole soul.

Susan’s image faded, leaving his dresser as a stark reminder that she’d been standing in that same spot while thinking of him. His phone vibrated in his hand, and he looked down, remembering he’d been in the middle of canceling his date.

The reminder he had set for himself said he needed to leave the house now or he’d be late. Dismissing it, he pulled up the message he’d started to write to Michelle and deleted it before shoving the phone in his pocket.

As he passed the mirror, he gave himself one last cursory glance to make sure nothing was out of place and then left his bedroom. “Be open to the possibility of loving someone new and giving them my whole soul,” he whispered to himself as he walked to his car.